You guys, seriously, this movie is the best movie ever.

Like, there’s this guy (Richard Harris) who accidentally kills a baby orca, and then Mamma orca is super pissed, because come on, wouldn’t you be pissed if someone killed your baby?Mamma orca had my vote from the start (sorry, Richard Harris.)

And then I started narrating the movie to my BFF. It went on like this:

“The whale just destroyed half of random harbor town, literally, half of the town blew up, all thanks to the whale. Best movie ever. This whale is awesome.”

“The acting is super serious by the way. The movie really takes itself in earnest. I mean, an orca blew up half a town and everyone is like “Oh, you messed up with the mighty orca,” like yeah, it’s super normal for a whale to blow things up and chase you every time you’re near the water. Like, the whale knows you now, and you’re fucked.

Whale is gonna blow you up. 

I have a new found respect for all actors in this movie.”

“Okay, the orca was destroying the entire town (kindda stupid to have a town balanced over some wooden pillars underwater, specially since the townspeople were not surprised by the orca’s badassery, which tells me this might have happened before.) Anyway, people told Richard Harris he had to get his shit together and go face the whale, but he didn’t cause he was scared, so the Orca sunk his freaking pillar-based house and bit a woman’s leg off .”

…

“Okay, so Richard Harris was pissed because his friend lost her leg and decided to go hunt the whale (FINALLY). He left with this cute woman (who was not the same woman who lost her leg), his BFF, and an Indian guy. Not like Indian-Indian, but like Native American-Indian.”

“The whale just jumped over the boat and took Richard Harris’ BFF with her. Now the whale is leading them to the arctic and there are icebergs and shit. This whale is so smart, it has to be a mutant or something. Actually, Native-American-guy said the whale was GOD INCARNATED. In these exact words. Native-American-guy is such a drama queen.”

“OMG, this woman is so cheap. She literally just said, “Come closer, I’ll warm you.” Like, Richard Harris was sad because his BFF died, and now he is gonna have sex to feel better.“

“Okay, they didn’t have sex.”

“Did I mention Richard Harris looks at least 60 in this movie? I wish I can be hunting killer whales in the arctic when I’m sixty…no, I don’t, actually. Killer whales are adorable and I could never kill them. Also, whale is gonna blow you up.”

Best Poster Ever.

“Jaws could learn a thing or two from this whale, just saying. I mean, the orca blew up half a town, destroyed Richard Harris’ house, bit a woman’s leg off, and now it smashed against an iceberg to bury Native-American-guy under huge chunks of ice. Shitty way to die in a killer whale movie, man. I mean, the whale should’ve had at least the decency to explode him.”

“The whale just sank the ship and now Richard Harris and pretty woman are running on icebergs. OMG, the whale just stranded Richard Harris on an iceberg.”

“This whale is a freaking genius.”

“The whale killed Richard Harris by throwing him against an ice berg wall. It did not eat him, it did not drag him to the depths of the ocean, it did not explode him. No. It threw him against an iceberg and smashed his skull.

This whale is a bad-ass mother-fucker.”

The lesson we can all take from this? Sea World is royally fucked, people. You can mess with sharks and wild bears, but you do NOT MESS WITH AN ORCA.

PS: This whale should get a freaking Oscar with some 38 years delay, but it’s the thought that counts.

***This is an old post, but I hope you’ve enjoyed it!***