So I’ve recently watched World of Warcraft mainly because of this guy:df575938cd295dd4fae2b0990723d408

Yes, my favorite viking stars in this movie. I hoped to see him naked, did not happen. Now that I pretty much ruined the movie for you, let’s do this.

(Fair warning: spoilers ahead.)

The story actually starts with Mr. Orc and NOT Mr. Viking, and I was a little disappointed because Mr. Orc has ZERO of Mr. Viking’s hotness and appeal. HOWEVER, (look at the size of that however, giiirl) you never see a fantasy epic where the orc is the main character (Shrek was an ogre, and yes, the Nerd is strong in me.) So it was kindda awesome to see Mr Orc as a character with complex emotions.

I soon realized that Mr. Orc was the ONLY character with ANY emotional depth at all.

Do you realize how frustrating that is? If you watch Vikings, you know that Travis Fimmel is a FUCKING GREAT ACTOR. I mean, the guy mimics a Nordic accent to perfection, and when he glares at an enemy, you know that the dude’s so gonna die-and it’s gonna be a nasty death.

vikings_ragnar_lodbrok_by_palo90-d5y15so

See what I mean?

So they WASTED my hot viking in World of Warcraft and that really pissed me off.

I obviously started rooting for Mr. Orc, because he was the only relatable character in the movie. Also, he kind of looks like the love child between Jack Sparrow and the Hulk, and that’s pretty cool.

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See what I mean?

Then the movie proceeds to throw shit and cliched characters at you as if it were a monkey, literally, throwing its shit at your face.

Cue in some stupid plot developments, and I was like, “I can’t watch this sober.”

I mean, the good Guardian, who has to be David Getta, turned bad for no fucking apparent reason, and for a long while he was just flying around and doing shit that influenced nothing in the story. On the other hand, his music is great. I love you David.

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Damn it, David, you can’t fix this mess. Really enjoy your music, though.

But perhaps what pissed me off the most was that they freaking KILLED the only relatable character in the movie FOR NO FREAKING GOOD REASON.

Hear me out: Mr. Orc decides that he needs to show his peers how monumentally evil their commander is. To do so, he fights Mr. Evil Orc, whose pores overflow with green magic, because green magic is always evil, just ask Disney.

If orcs had seen a Disney movie or two, they’d have avoided this entire mess in the first place. Just saying.

But I digress. So the two orcs fight and Mr. Orc dies. At this point I’m like, all right, it’s cool, but his death better improve this mess of a story.

So Mr. Orc’s friend says, “Are we going to let an evil monster guide us?” And I’m like, yaaass Mr. Orc’s friend, start a revolution!

So some brave orcs defy evil green orc, evil green orc explodes them, literally, and then everyone is like, “Okay, we’re on your side, evil green orc, you’re awesome, yeah, fuck that kind and honorable Mr. Orc”.

So Mr. Orc died for shit. FOR SHIT. 

Well done, Legendary Pictures and Blizzard Entertainment. You did a remarkable job of turning a promising concept into a huge pile of doodoo.

monkeypoo1

 

 


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